Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Sandra Lee is the Anti-Christ. But she made me make a drinking game. Someone had to.
Lord. I start a blog and then leave it to wither for months. WTF?
On the upside, I come back and blogger seems easier to navigate. Nice that I remembered my password.
Lately, most of my internet blathering has been confined to dissing Food Network (anti)personality, Sandra Lee. She is frightening. She can't cook and they give her a tv show anyway. People lacking talent get tv credits all the time, so that's not actually what pisses me off. It's just her absolute lack of clue - coupled with not hiring production crew savvy enough to at least fix her glaring errors in the kitchen. Those who can't do - well, buy people who can, right? Sure you can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, but that's not going to bring in advertising dollars. And if it does, then apparently I've been going about everything all wrong.
So, as a professional alcoholic, I've done the only thing I can do in response to the horror that is Sandra Lee.
I've created a drinking game.
This is heavily inspired by the Iron Chef Drinking Game variations circling about the net.
Sandra Lee, "Semi-Ho", Drinking Game
I suggest using beer for this, mostly because it’s less fun if you find you’ve passed out 10 minutes into the episode because you’re using hard liquor.
First of all, if you find the theme song “catchy”, pound a beer.
If you at any time find the SLop looking tasty, pound a beer.
If she cartwheels ( and she will), pound a beer.
Take one sip if she says:
Take a sip if:
She uses the Sunbeam instead of the Kitchen Aid
She uses the Boboli upside down
She includes a “recipe” for an alcoholic beverage
She is using a prepared angel food cake or canned frosting
You actively notice the Milli-Vanilli hands
Pudding cups are used in any way
She reminisces about past public drunkenness
She says her husband will clean up after her
She exclaims how wonderful something is with her mouth full
She licks her fingers and proceeds to touch other food items
Mispronounces/misidentifies/or otherwise butchers the name of a food item ("Las Chalupas" anyone?)
someone you're watching with pleads with you to never make that SLop
someone you're watching with (that is a known non-cook) states that they can make the item, but healthier*
*pound if they've fixed it for you and it is in fact healthier than the SLop
Take 2 sips if she says:
“I want you to…”
“My (insert family member) invented this…”
“I’m a (insert item) expert”
“Whooooo!” or any other weird exclamation
“Your (friends/family) will never know”
Take 2 sips:
If she compares herself to any other Food Network personality
If she jiggles because she isn’t wearing a bra
If the finished product has obviously been swapped in by the stylist
If she suggests getting guests liquored up before you feed them
If she refers to tequila as “Our friend”
If she doesn’t wash her hands properly after handling food
If the “tablescape” is incongruous, frightening or actively a health hazard
Sip if a Campbells commercial is run
Sip twice if she is in it
Sip if you find other food during the commercials that looks better than what Sandra is making (your fridge counts!)