Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Sandra Lee is the Anti-Christ. But she made me make a drinking game. Someone had to.


Lord. I start a blog and then leave it to wither for months. WTF?

On the upside, I come back and blogger seems easier to navigate. Nice that I remembered my password.

Lately, most of my internet blathering has been confined to dissing Food Network (anti)personality, Sandra Lee. She is frightening. She can't cook and they give her a tv show anyway. People lacking talent get tv credits all the time, so that's not actually what pisses me off. It's just her absolute lack of clue - coupled with not hiring production crew savvy enough to at least fix her glaring errors in the kitchen. Those who can't do - well, buy people who can, right? Sure you can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, but that's not going to bring in advertising dollars. And if it does, then apparently I've been going about everything all wrong.

So, as a professional alcoholic, I've done the only thing I can do in response to the horror that is Sandra Lee.

I've created a drinking game.

This is heavily inspired by the Iron Chef Drinking Game variations circling about the net.

Sandra Lee, "Semi-Ho", Drinking Game

I suggest using beer for this, mostly because it’s less fun if you find you’ve passed out 10 minutes into the episode because you’re using hard liquor.

First of all, if you find the theme song “catchy”, pound a beer.
If you at any time find the SLop looking tasty, pound a beer.
If she cartwheels ( and she will), pound a beer.

Take one sip if she says:

Amazing
Literally
Easy
Fantastic

Take a sip if:

She uses the Sunbeam instead of the Kitchen Aid
She uses the Boboli upside down
She includes a “recipe” for an alcoholic beverage
She is using a prepared angel food cake or canned frosting
You actively notice the Milli-Vanilli hands
Pudding cups are used in any way
She reminisces about past public drunkenness
She says her husband will clean up after her
She exclaims how wonderful something is with her mouth full
She licks her fingers and proceeds to touch other food items
Mispronounces/misidentifies/or otherwise butchers the name of a food item ("Las Chalupas" anyone?)
someone you're watching with pleads with you to never make that SLop
someone you're watching with (that is a known non-cook) states that they can make the item, but healthier*

*pound if they've fixed it for you and it is in fact healthier than the SLop

Take 2 sips if she says:

“I want you to…”
“My (insert family member) invented this…”
“I’m a (insert item) expert”
“Whooooo!” or any other weird exclamation
“Your (friends/family) will never know”

Take 2 sips:

If she compares herself to any other Food Network personality
If she jiggles because she isn’t wearing a bra
If the finished product has obviously been swapped in by the stylist
If she suggests getting guests liquored up before you feed them
If she refers to tequila as “Our friend”
If she doesn’t wash her hands properly after handling food
If the “tablescape” is incongruous, frightening or actively a health hazard

During commercials:

Sip if a Campbells commercial is run
Sip twice if she is in it
Sip if you find other food during the commercials that looks better than what Sandra is making (your fridge counts!)

67 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am really enjoying the gravelly voice she's taken on recently. Did the surgeon do this when she had her eye lift?

Anonymous said...

sandra lee has been driving up a wall for a looooong time now. never wearing a bra and constantly licking her fingers and picking up something else afterward, her show needs to be alliminated!!!

Anonymous said...

To 4:15 anon. I strongly disagree with cancelling her show. I am in love w/frosted angel food cake and actually like her show.Enjoy watching her stick kebabs in her mouth and the 'fentastic' table scapes-esp with disco balls spinning above.

The Muse said...

You forgot the line to sip if she says "I'm going to just pop this into the: oven/fridge/freezer/etc."
She says that ALL. THE. TIME.

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing so hard, i think i wet myself. Have to pound one for every time she leans into the camera chest first..

Anonymous said...

A sip or 2 if she says "perfect", "perfection" or any other variation.

Tim said...

YUM! What about YUM?!? oh god...shoot me now...

georgebrown said...

You all have missed her most annoying trait. The pause before some simple word: "Then you put the potatoes in the .......pan". Look for it, she does it often. I wouldn't put it in your drinking game because you'll die of alcohol poisoning. :D

Anonymous said...

Did you see the tips segment on tablescapes where she suggested using "hypothecary" jars. Hey Sandra, the word is "apothecary"! Doesn't her crew correct her on these things? Or are they as stupid as she is.

jasoncrayne said...

you should include when she says JUST. this might unbalance the game or cause vomiting because she uses the word for everything about 25 to 35 times a show.

Anonymous said...

Let's not forget her gratuitous use of the word "little." Well, really she says "li'l." As in "I'm gonna take a li'l but of my sloppy joe mix and put it on my li'l Wonder Bread bun and serve it up hot to my li'l nephew Brycer and li'l Miss Stephanie. I'll just be over hear belting off of a li'l pint glass of straight Absolut while I stare at my dork-ass tablescape featuring 37 li'l yards of chintz from the craft store and an Eiffel Tower that I made entirely out of popsicle sticks. My guests are going to love this. Kimber!! Oh Kimber!! Get your li'l brats out of my effing kitchen. What? We're still rolling? Uh oh."

Anonymous said...

Sandra suffers from chronic redundancy. "Now I'm going to just combine this together...." As if to suggest that combining things seperately is an option. Oh and since her husband so wisely dumped her can, her new boyfriend is that disturbed looking Cuomo hack. Hope he likes jelly bean kabobs served on a dartboard -because it's game night!!!

Diana said...

You left out a famous Sandra Lee word.." Embellishment" !! Everytime I hear her say that, I end up needing a 'cocktail' and some salad thing made with 'champagne vinegar" LOL

Anonymous said...

There is a another Lee-ism she uses way too frequently: "All I want you to do is..."

Anonymous said...

By far the absolute worst thing EVER was her Christmas episode where she made her nephew (who was probably 16 or 17) sit at the...drum roll..."Sugar Plum" table. Sorry kid, your aunt is on crack.

Anonymous said...

I've always said she has weird boobs, which translated probably means she had a bad cosmetic surgeon. She is quite annoying. I love the drinking game. I think I would rather pound hard liquor so I could knock myself out to avoid watching anymore of her crappy food or her "Stepford-ish" tablescapes. Who the hell changes their kitchen decor everyday and wears clothes to match. She also looks like she just had her hair and nails done before she cooks. Most people wait until after they're done cooking to get all gussied up.

Audiart said...

I suggest pounding (at least twice) when she includes a course that involves no preparation. For example a "super homemade" cocktail that consists of a bottle of premade vodka cooler that she just pours into a glass and claims is a "recipe".

This game is great with hard liquor, by the way.

Anonymous said...

I'm convinced that SL is a FemBot. There's no other explanation for the evil that is her show.

Anonymous said...

did anyone see the episode where she kept referring to EXpresso you would think someone as "smart" as she is would at least try to use the right word

Anonymous said...

To all the "Water Walkers" above:

Sour Grapes!!

Anonymous said...

haha "super simple"...did anyone mention that one?

Anonymous said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't forget how she lingers on the L's in her words. LLLLOVELY, delllllllicious, cllllllever, OOH! I can just whack her.

Anonymous said...

i can't take it when she says "FLAVORFUL". none of the garbage she makes looks like it could be "FLAVORFUL". i've heard other hosts on the network say it and it never bothers me, not one bit.

Anonymous said...

lets' not forget how many times she says "then put the ___ IN-TO the____"
"IN-TO" should be a two-sipper.

Also notice" GREAT FLAVOR"

Shoot me now!

Anonymous said...

She just needs to let em breathe, then jump up and down. then i can move on with my life....i'm still waiting sandra.

Anonymous said...

Nobody mentioned "my girlfriend", and that merits at least a sip. I don't think I've ever seen a show in which she doesn't talk about how much her girlfriend likes thus and so. Was she born in 1940? I'm in my 50's and none of my female friends (except for the lesbians) refer to their friends as "girlfriends."

Anonymous said...

I so agree with everything said here about SL! I can't stand the way see says "melk" instead of "milk". I want to know who got plyed with one of her crappy cocktails and got is lllllovely dork sucked by this no-talent, trailer-trash Marths wannabe. Hope this is cancelled soon!

LarkBoy85 said...

well appreantly i found one site that said her current bf is the producer of the show which is probably why it's been running so long and will be for a while.

another word to add to the sipping list would have to be "pop."

i hate her. i do performance art and i'm thinking of doing a piece called "half assed with paul," that shows me dumping canned beans into a bowl...and thats it...oh on a "tablescape."

Anonymous said...

I can not STAND the way she drags out the "L"s when she pronounces her words. I mean you are going to LLLLove this. Just a squeeze of LLLLemon. We're going to take our LLLLLime juice and ... Why does this woman have a show? She's a LLLLLaughingstock.

Anonymous said...

I have a good one ... how about pound a beer if she's wearing all white?? Who wears white while cooking?! It's like she makes a point to wear it one days she's making some sort of tomato sauce or ribs!! "LLLLLook at me, I think I'm so perfect because I can wear white and eat ribs dripping with glaze and not get ANY of it on my spanking-white outfit!"

Anonymous said...

My husband and I pretend to play this drinking game everytime we watch. We would have to give up our three children and careers if we were to actually drink! Did you all put "nice" on the list? She says, give it a nice stir, put a nice piece of honeydew in, etc. This positively sends me over the edge, oh and her pronounciation of Strawberry as Strawbury makes me want to throttle her!

Diner Girl said...

Don't forget the most important facet to the drinking game: you've got to down the entire bottle of whatever it is you're drinking when you get a flash of cameltoe. Because it's almost always there.... and you need to get stone-faced drunk to be able to handle the aftermath.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget her other overused line: "Just mix this together and it gets so nice and creamy"...Everything's nice and crunchy, nice and creamy, nice and thick, she sounds like she's describing a one-night stand!

Anonymous said...

How about you take 2 sips everytime she says lil instead of little. JUST SAY LITTLE YOU DRUNKEN ASS!!

Anonymous said...

Instead of making a rule to "sip your beer when Sandra Lee says this or Sandra Lee says that" Why don't you make a rule to JUST F*#!ING KEEP DRINKING?! I'M SORRY BUT YOU HAVE NO LIFE. I have a rule for you: GET ONE.

Food Snob said...

She reminds me of bad local TV programs from the sixties; the kind where the station manager's mistress thought she could cook and he gave her a program.

Samantha said...

What about "can I tell you?" She says that more than once in every episode. It's stupid for SO many reasons. And she needs a new bra. With all the money she makes from mixing pre-made things together, she can surely afford the best.

Anonymous said...

"nonymous said...

Let's not forget her gratuitous use of the word "little." Well, really she says "li'l." As in "I'm gonna take a li'l but of my sloppy joe mix and put it on my li'l Wonder Bread bun and serve it up hot to my li'l nephew Brycer and li'l Miss Stephanie. I'll just be over hear belting off of a li'l pint glass of straight Absolut while I stare at my dork-ass tablescape featuring 37 li'l yards of chintz from the craft store and an Eiffel Tower that I made entirely out of popsicle sticks. My guests are going to love this. Kimber!! Oh Kimber!! Get your li'l brats out of my effing kitchen. What? We're still rolling? Uh oh."
2/09/2007 11:05 AM"








LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OMGGGG LOLLOLOL

li'l alchie said...

Oh sweet smokin' Jesus her Holiday Show was on today. I recently saw someone refer to the Kwanzaa cake as an edible hate crime. Will nothing stop this woman!?!

Anonymous said...

Has anyone noticed that she says "strawburries"...among a zillion other mispronounciations. I watch her show when I want a good laugh!

Anonymous said...

Sandra has worked very hard and overcome a hard life to get where she is...on her own! If you hate her show so much...don't watch it, and stop judging! Man you are all so annoying!

Anonymous said...

While I'm not crazy about her recipes and she says "Pop this in (fill in the blank) way too much, I like to watch her show once in awhile. Rachael Ray is the one I find really annoying. She needs an off button, seriously.

Anonymous said...

Wait, how about the way she exxagerates her L's? Like when she says "hold them in pLLLLace" or "they smell so deLLLLicious" or "you're going to just LLLLLLLove this"

Oh God, I can't take her, I'm going out and buying a gun.

Anonymous said...

I have read all these negative posts about Sandra Lee and have been laughing hysterically.... but you all forget who is making all the $$$$. And she is still on the air. You all spend an awful lot of time watching her show. so HELLO. You all are enabling her to make all the $$$ so who is the smart one??? Not you.... SL!!!GO Sandra!

Anonymous said...

How about whenever she drags out the word "so" like: "this is going to be SOOOOOO delicious" or the next recipe is SOOOOO easy to prepare"!!

tete said...

For the drinking game you could always chug a beer every time she says "X-presso" instead of "ES-presso." God, she's horrible. I think she owns major stock in canned frosting. And the way she throws those packets of dried taco seasoning, marinara and pesto sauces, etc. in every other "recipe" is nauseating! I used to watch her for a laugh, but I now find it too pathetic to be funny. Aren't her 15 minutes up? We have to give up real chefs/cooks for THIS??? So long Food Network!

Carole said...

OMG.
Nobody mentioned her best part!
The sign off- "Keep it simple, keep it sweet..."
BARF
How about when she made the fake Girl Scout cookies and said, "I LOVE Girl Scout cookies so much I actually buy them by the box!"
Um....what else would you buy them by???

Anonymous said...

What about when she says "super simple" or anything in conjunction with the word super? Or just the word super?

chiffonade said...

Sistergirl...This is INGENIOUS!! Kudos!!

Shamdra was the only one who wasn't shocked when the Chinese started putting inedible stuff into pet food. She must have thought, "What's so wrong with that? I do it all the time!"

Everyday Gourmet said...

1 sip for every time she tosses an empty can, Cool Whip container, utensil, prep pan, jelly jar, empty seasoning packet, etc. into the bottomless pit she calls a sink.
1 sip for everytime she leans over the sink pretending to wash her hands while wiggling her ass and staring over her shoulder with a "come hither" look. I think that might be a position in the "Around the World with Sex" game, or so I'm told LOL!

Anonymous said...

What about when she is sturring something, and then always puts her other hand under the spatula like it's going to drip to just turn and throw it in the sink.....I HATE when she does this! And the "super simple" saying drives me up the wall! I wanna staple my hands to a wall so I don't slash my wrists!

Anonymous said...

You guys will love this...apparently she's getting her own magazine

http://www.slashfood.com/2008/09/25/sandra-lee-gets-her-own-magazine/

Anonymous said...

Don't forget "perfect". SL loves that word.

Z said...

You all failed to mention the "sweet lil" everything. Make a sweet lil bow. Grab this sweet lil glass! All those sweet lil parts to those sweet lil stupid ass angels. And OMG don't forget MARSCAPONE cheese which she can never say correctly. What a frigging idiot.

Anonymous said...

I just saw here on a KFC commercial!

I think you need to add a new item - "pound a beer if she endorses a fast food chain that is too embarrassed of its own food to spell out its name." And pound 2 if she does it wearing a CHEF'S JACKET! Just be careful that the beer doesn't come out your nose from laughing so hard.

Anonymous said...

Every now and then I try to give her a chance (doesn't last long) but when she says "licure" I want to scream and leap through the screen. What is UP with that??!! And what the hell is melk? Possibly something to go with expresso?

Anonymous said...

It's non-negotiable.
I will not enter the office enviornment.
I will sit in prison first.
Ball's in your court, CHEAT.

Dog of Glee said...

i just tested out this game with the episode "inside/outside dinner party" (if you want to find it, it's an episode where she's wearing all blue and white. god help us all.) and i've taken 26 sips of an iced tea + vodka.

on the bright side, my cocktail time beats the shit out of hers.

Dog of Glee said...

I almost forgot. a new rule:

take two sips if you can easily hear the DEAFENING -gulp- noise she makes when she pounds that cocktail.
i'm sure i'm not the only one who can hear it.

patti said...

But nobody talked about my most hated word of all - wunnerful. She sounds like frickin Lawrence Welk. And she must say this at least 20 times/show. Probably shouldn't be used in a drinking game unless you want to end up in a coma.
And have you noticed the tablescapes - what the hell kind of word is that anyway - never leave room for actual FOOD to be on the TABLE? What a freak.

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Anonymous said...

Can I smack her on the ass?

Anonymous said...

The way she pronounces the word "delicious." Makes me want to throttle her.