Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Port and Beer = Accurate TV Reviews. Really.

This is a big TV week.

Which is good, because TV goes down well with beer and, tonight, it went down well with Taylor Fladgate 20 year old tawny port and beer.

The things I do not to have to leave my house to buy more booze, especially on a big TV night.

What Is The Sound Of Two Contestants Sucking: “American Idol”

I do not normally watch “American Idol”. Tonight I did. And I made Mr. Scoop watch. I figure, if it’s going to cause my ears or eyeballs to bleed I should have someone standing by who can call dial 911. And it’s on right before “House”.

Excellent Mr. Scoop quote of the evening: [When trying to hit the high notes] Carrie makes “that weird Jenny McCarthy ‘dick-in-the-ass’ face”:

Don't Believe The Hype

I have heard tales that this “Simon” fellow is a complete hardass. I don’t think I have been more disappointed about the hype surrounding an individual. I thought he was all about straight talk to the hapless, talent-challenged contestants.


I have never heard a more tonally challenged, uncharismatic pair of individuals.

But, I don’t know if it’s Idol’s fault entirely. Let’s look at the raw material that made up these finals.

Bo Bice v. Carrie Underwood

First of all, “Bo Bice” – Um, failed porn star name? Or awful parasitic infection to one’s genitals: “I have to get some salve for the Bice on my Bo.”
And then, beyond that, the kid is clearly trying to channel Scott Stapp (Eeek! Creed!). And, of course, Scott Stapp wishes he were Eddie Vedder.

So, that means that Bo Bice is the cubed root of pathos. Or pathos cubed. I’m not a math major.

Then we have Miss Carrie Underwood.

First of all, when I hear the name “Carrie”, I have certain expectations – for example, if you suck out loud and you’re named Carrie, someone should dump a bucket of pig’s blood on you if you’re in the public eye. Sure, I blame Stephen King, but I don’t think it’s unrealistic.

And this chiquita, she did suck out loud. With bells on.

Look, everyone is well aware that Shania Twain got into country music because she was reasonably hot and could carry a tune (and married that Mutt guy), but in terms of marketing would never be able to go head to head (at the time) with Britney and Christina in the straight pop market.

Twang it up all you want, it won’t cover the inability to hit the damn high notes.

I’d like to make a pithy Chris Gaines joke here, but I’ve been drinking.

What We Should Learn From This

Amercan Idol serves a purpose. It makes a bunch of otherwise aimless, sedentary, apathetic (but easily led) US citizens fall into a fervid, nay rabid, voting frenzy.

(gosh, missed you campers in November...just saying...)

"Dial (string of numbers) with the text message of 'vote' if you want Bo (or Carrie)"

But they both suck.


What if I dial one of the numbers with the word "Suck" in my message? Does that count? Does it count as a vote?

Probably not. It won't fit.

So, here's what you learn kids: American Idol is important because it makes you mobilize your asses to vote about things that are apparently important to you. But, sometimes, you are forced to vote on what appears to be the lesser of two evils. Kind of like the real election. I can tell you who I would've sent my text message about, just like I could've told you who I would've voted for.

But, don't you wish (deep down), there was a third choice that didn't involve having to move to Canada?


Me too.


Timmy Mac said...

I call bullshit.

I know it's the height of hipster fashion to dismiss American Idol as proof of the decline of society and to dismiss its fans as nothing more than slack-jawed yokels, but I disagree. It is exactly what it claims to be: a singing competition. Nothing more, nothing less. I know people who spend approximately 15 hours a week talking about 24. There's no reason why devoting your life to one TV show is better or worse than devoting it to another.

Plus, last night wasn't a good example of anything you pooh-poohed. Neither was great last night, but both have been great in the past, and Simon Cowell can be merciless.


Anonymous said...

Carrie is victorious! Awesome! CARRIE RULEZ U!

Amandarama said...

I'm not saying my viewpoint is popular. Hell, after the port I'm surprised it was even coherent.

Rev. Tim - I respect your learned opinion on many things. But please don't tell me that "BO BICE OWNZ" me. You have admitted to owning and enjoying an Avril Lavigne album.

Anonymous - Lance, it's time to put down the monkey puppet. Step away from the monkey puppet. That it all. And Carrie can eat me clockwise.