Saturday, June 18, 2005

I'd Like My Varsity Letter in Drunk Driving Now, Please.

Why I Drink (Reason #4,738)

I spent the evening at a comedy club. I did some time. I went onstage sober. It was ok. There were some laughs despite the copious amounts of rust that had accumulated since my last foray. I have a DVD of the set that I will analyze like an anal retentive football coach who remembers that the last time his team made the playoffs was five years ago but still hopes for rebound glory.

Being able to get a DVD of your set is a nice feature of the club, but you have to wait until the show is done to get your copy. So, I drank in order to kill time and to make the other acts funnier. In a couple of cases, no drinking was required at all: Ira Proctor, who consistently cracks me up and is one of the fastest rising young headliners in town and Brian Longwell, who calls himself a "Non-Motivational Speaker". Brian is also going to do the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Scotland, which is pretty damn cool. Both guys have callbacks pending for the Montreal Comedy Festival. Go see these guys if you're in the Boston area.

Don't Drink And Drive!

I don't recommend drinking and driving. In fact, since I've been dating Mr. Scoop, I really haven't had to drive myself all that much, drunk or otherwise. This is because my car is elderly. My car is 13 years old. That makes it 130 years old in people years.

It gets twitchy under the best of circumstances (which is to say a slightly overcast, windless, 65 degree day in mild highway traffic...anything outside of that will make it choke like an over-eager porn actress).

Well, tonight, Mr. Scoop needed to go to sleep because his hard rocking lifestyle demanded he be up at 3 o'clock this morning. This left me to fend for myself car-wise.

Driving my car home drunk is like trying to land a quadruple Salchow ("sow cow") in figure skating. I have no suspension, lousy steering and a blood alcohol count that exceeds .08 - balanced by years of experience and a lot of heart. I will get the car home. I am the only one who can. Throwing booze into the mix just becomes this one other thing I have to deal with driving the car. I will open my windows, pop an Altoid and think good thoughts.

This is right up until I find myself in back of some other dingbat, drunker than me, who doesn't seem to realize that the street we are on has two lanes in either direction and a speed limit that lets you get to at least 40 mph. His drunk, clueless ass is plunked in the middle of both lanes as he does 25 mph and slowly weaves back and forth. I would pass him, but I've been drinking too. There are usually 3 radar traps between me and home, as well as passage past the local police station - I'm not going to risk it. Besides, I figure, if we do pass a cop, he'll get nailed before me.

About a 1/2 mile from my apartment, the drunkenly weaving individual took a right turn, without signaling, and left me alone on the road to finish my journey. I was left with conflicted feelings: relief that I had the road to myself, tempered by unrequited road rage.

Non-experienced drunken drivers, hear my plea - stay off the damn roads. There are serious people who know what they are doing with their booze and their car who would like to get the fuck home and can steer their car, despite the inebriation and the odds. Let us drive in peace on a late Saturday night. Your liver and your insurance agent will thank you. And I won't beat you with a tire iron if you have the misfortune to break down in front of me.


Coca-Cola has introduced a product called "Coca-Cola Zero" which comes packaged ominously in a black screw top bottle.

It seems to be intended to taste like regular Coke, but has no calories or carbs because it is a Nutrasweet product.

I don't drink a lot of regular Coke, so to my taste they seem to have pulled it off. Mr. Scoop thinks it doesn't taste quite right.

However, I'm going to mix this product right now with some Jack Daniels. Then I'm going to play "Outlaw Golf 2" and put this whole evening right out of my mind.


Ari said...

I noticed the Coca-Cola Zeros popping up at my corner store too, but don't watch carbs and thus didn't guess their significance to the Atkins-ized world. So your research has eased my mind about mysterious cola products. Thank you. :)

Lance Manion said...

That's nothing. I illegally transported firearms this weekend. 'Cause nothing says Father's Day like illegal firearms.

Come to think of it, they could have solved the problem with your weaving buddy...

...must cut back on GTA...

Dave Morris said...

Too many nights I've driven home and not remembered doing it. Car parked perfectly, doors locked, windows up. I'm apparently carrying some major positive karma.