Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Take Off, Eh? It's Perfectly Normal To Carry A Chainsaw Over International Borders...

...and a hatchet. And brass knuckles. And a homemade sword.

And don't mind the stains that may or may not be blood.

Oh, and here's a picture. Clearly, he's the average boy next door:

From the article:

"On April 25, Gregory Despres arrived at the U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Calais, Maine, carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood. U.S. customs agents confiscated the weapons and fingerprinted Despres. Then they let him into the United States.

The following day, a gruesome scene was discovered in Despres' hometown of Minto, New Brunswick: The decapitated body of a 74-year-old country musician named Frederick Fulton was found on Fulton's kitchen floor. His head was in a pillowcase under a kitchen table. His common-law wife was discovered stabbed to death in a bedroom."

Ok, so let me get this straight:

We can divert planes from foreign countries to Bangor just because someone's name is the same as a name that appears on the "Do Not Fly List" and boot him or her out of the country to make us feel like we're protecting ourselves.

I have to take my shoes off and have them checked when I go through airport security because I might be packing tinder or fertilizer or C4 in my Manolo's. I can't have a lighter or nail clippers because they could create an unsafe scenario on the plane. I can't turn my cell phone on to play Bejeweled because it might muck with the plane's navigation system.

But if I'm in a car...and I'm not a rowdy underaged college kid looking to get drunk and look at strippers in Montreal for the weekend and then come home with booze that I'm not allowed to have on this side of the border (and, yes, I'm speaking from experience here)...then I can wander over the border with weapons that suggest that I took the last LARP I went on a little too seriously and no one will stop me. But, God help me if I make the error of winding up my travel clock before I get on a plane.

This kid looks like what would happen if Ed Grimley finally snapped:

I think I'm more angry that this kind of fuck up will give government more of an excuse to clamp down on our ability to travel freely, than I am that a complete psycho made it over the border with a weapons cache. Why give the government an excuse to make passports mandatory?

This guy wants to create an official FAQ for U.S. citizens that lets us know what we can and can't transport over the border.

I'm hoping he might include bloody chainsaws on the "Don't" list.


Ari said...

"I'm a binge-drinking, social degenerate. I lack responsibility. I have questionable personal habits. I teach your children. I'm the best thing that's ever happened to them. "

OMG me too! :)

I'm not brave enough to post my pic though hehe.

Sorry this comment isn't specifically related to this post, though I completely agree with your sentiments here.

Lance Manion said...

You have manolos?

BTW, the bar oil that I use for my chainsaw looks a lot like blood. But I've never tried to smuggle it through customs. Just vast, vast, amounts of illegal booze.