Monday, July 25, 2005

Common Courtesy


To:........Executives at Coca-Cola Company and Hollywood


Re:........Stop Raping My Childhood!

It is at least common courtesy to offer some ice cream or a stuffed animal before being tricked into getting in the van, you unbelievable bastards. But, no, you went straight for the chloroform. My childhood hasn’t been able to sit properly on its bottom for weeks.

In short succession, I have been bombarded by Coke Zero’s “Chilltop” ad campaign and remakes of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and “The Bad News Bears”. What did my fond childhood memories ever do to you that you would see fit to steam roll over them in such a fashion?


If you follow the link and then click on “Chilltop”, followed by “Commercial”, you’ll get to see this craptacular advertising statement in all its putrid splendor. The original “Hilltop” ad (also available on the site) may have been cheesy, but it was classic cheese. However, if “Hilltop” was a solid piece of cheddar, “Chilltop” is welfare distributed American Cheese “Food Product”.

I could put Emily Dickinson poems to “Hilltop” to explain rhyme and meter. See watch:

“I’d like to buy the world a home
And furnish it with love.
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow white turtle doves.

I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony.
I’d like to buy the world a Coke
And keep it company.”

Now here’s Emily Dickinson’s “Because I Could Not Stop For Death”
Sing it to the tune of the Coke Jingle.

“Because I could not stop for Death –
He kindly stopped for me –
The Carriage held but just Ourselves –
And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility –”

Now I’d have to sing “I’d like to teach the world to chill…” Who even says “chill” these days? Yes, let me sing something using recently outdate slang so the kids can focus on that instead of the lesson. And then there’s all that annoying rap crap. I would be less offended by this ad if you'd shown a guy peeing into a lake and then looking dead into the camera and telling me that "Coke is the pause that refreshes." It’s useless, useless I tell you. It perverts something that was good and pure and sweet. And it makes me have to use “The Yellow Rose of Texas” to teach Emily Dickinson now. I’m very angry.

“Charlie And The Chocolate Factory”

In the history of unnecessary remakes, this will rocket to the top of the list. Gene Wilder will always be the only Willy Wonka that I will ever acknowledge. I don’t want my Willy Wonka to be childlike and na├»ve. I want him to be bitter and sarcastic. Johnny Depp’s creepy, Michael Jackson impersonating Willy Wonka does not exist. Nope. Because I said so.

“The Bad News Bears”

I like Billy Bob Thornton, but this is another movie that did not need to get remade. Sure the kids will remain foul mouthed. Sure Thornton’s character will remain a beer-swilling misanthrope – and on the surface I can get behind that. I enjoyed the same kind of foulness he brought to “Bad Santa”. But there is a quality to the language in the original script that you just can’t get away with doing in today’s politically correct climate. It gives the stuff the kids say an additional “I can’t believe they just said that” factor missing from the new movie.

On the other hand, it’s not “The Bad News Bears Go To Japan”. We can at least be grateful for that.

Meanwhile, my childhood is very upset and would like therapy and a hemorrhoid doughnut to sit on.


1 comment:

Dave Morris said...

Great stuff here! I agree, it'll be hard to recreate Bad News Bears. There must be NO new ideas out there.