Friday, July 01, 2005

Porn In My Bed And Beets In My Rectum

Today I discovered that if you eat enough beets the night before, the next day the remains in your toilet will look like what might happen if you shit blood.

While I contemplate my mortality, and a possible call to 911, here’s a story from the past:

Once upon a time, I woke up with porn in my bed.

Not today. Not yesterday. This happened in 2000 BMS (Before Mr. Scoop).

The individual I was seeing at the time had left it in the bed, on the pillow next to my head. I was disturbed, to say the least. I usually like my wake-up calls to involve coffee and, maybe, midgets.

On closer inspection, it was a copy of Maxim magazine. Specifically, the Coyote Ugly issue (in case you feel the need to go looking for it at the local library on microfiche). It had been left open to an article, a text box actually: “Five Ways To Get Your Girlfriend Into A Threesome”.

I was somewhat taken aback. I thought we had a fairly open dialogue about “bedroom needs”. I had only countered his request to be spanked by giving him a time-out just the once ("Now I want you to stand in the corner and think about how that made me feel."). Then, it slowly began to dawn on me:

It was close to his birthday. Like Ralphie in “A Christmas Story”, he was trying to give me gift ideas. This was his Red Rider BB Gun.

Of course, Ralphie’s mother never got him the BB Gun. It was his father. And I just couldn’t quite bring myself to ask him “Who’s your daddy?”

So, I dumped him.

Ok, I’m off to call 911.
Pray for me.

4 comments:

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I wish you and your poop shoot all the health in the world.

And good choice dumping that guy.

Timmy Mac said...

Somewhere in there is a jerking off to Maxim/you'll shoot your eye out joke just waiting to be made...

eM said...

Hello, lovely blog :)
I sense I have found a kindred spirit. I sense that even more because, hey! you use subtitles! to make posts into postettes! Just like me :)

Lance Manion said...

You know, I always told you he was a loser. And not just because he wore a KISS tour T-shirt all the time.

Bummer about the beets. Sounds distressing.