Thursday, July 14, 2005

Welcome To Burbclave



Mr. Scoop received notice from his landlord, about a month ago, that his building was going condo. He would either need to buy the space or get out. It would cost him a metric buttload of money. It was troubling to him. He liked his downtown location with it's close proximity to a diner, two Chinese places and a place that would sell him wholesale tobacco. And he'd spent a lot of time getting the nicotine patina of his bachelor pad "just right". Plus, there were rumors of a Quizno's that might be opened down the street in the near future. However, there were Death Cults and S&M Clubs in town. They should've had some kind of effect on the property value. One would think there would've been a balance. But, instead, no - the homestead suddenly cost too much. Mr. Scoop was sad to have to leave. He prefered to do things on his own terms.

He found a New Place, two towns over. It cost a little more, despite being a little smaller. But, it had a community pool and grill area. The unit came with a deck. It was also across the street from a chocolate factory. Clearly, the housing gods were smiling upon him the day he found the New Place.

Much effort was expended upon moving him in. Many individuals in the over-30-something range found themselves packing things and lifting things and unloading things for 12 hour periods of time. This made them annoyed, as they'd hoped for a better "Let's Move Mr. Scoop" turnout. On the other hand, once it was done, they felt ecstatic that they still had that kind of "balls to the wall", flat out work 'til it's done ethic. They sat down, eagerly awaiting a well earned frosty beverage and a slice of pizza.

Alas, none were to be had.

The last item was moved into the new apartment at 9:58pm on a Saturday night. A phone call was made to a local pizzeria at 10pm. The caller was informed that the pizzeria was closed. Confused, the caller placed another phone call to an alternate pizzeria. This one had the temerity to not answer at all. The caller was very confused. Furthermore, the caller realized that they were pushing several hours of sobriety. A decision was made to hop into a vehicle and cruise the streets of the new community in search of beer and pizza.

Disappointment awaited them.

It turned out that at 10:00 at night, all the liquor stores (except for one tiny convenience store) closed and locked their doors. All of the restaurants in the area appeared to follow suit. Coming from a community that had no problem supplying booze and food until the wee hours, a certain amount of culture shock and cursing was to be had, along with ocassional threats of violence.

At 10:45, the following was open:

- A Chinese Restaurant, cum Dive Bar. We weren't sure if we were ready for this, yet. Oh, but we'll get there.
- A megamart grocery chain. We ended up purchasing Hot Pockets here.
- A lone convenience store with the cahones to continue to sell until 11pm. God bless you, Lone Convenience Store.

Clearly, Mr. Scoop had moved to a Burbclave - a suburban community with deeply entrenched feelings about morals that affected business practices and zoning laws. It is populated by minivans, Home Depots and Bertucchi's.

We will be curious to see how the community reacts to Mr. Scoop's first naked, whiskey blackout.

We'll keep you posted.

3 comments:

Lance Manion said...

He really should have moved to a Mr Lee's Greater Hong Kong. I bet they have booze and chinese food 24/7. Plus Rat Things.

midwest_hick said...

ahhhhh....this would make anyone 'rue the move' in a hurry...lol

Dave Morris said...

Jesus this is a horror story. I live in one of those suburbs and it's pure hell... but at least I knew what it was before I moved there.

Poor, poor Mr. Scoop. Booze, booze everywhere, and nary a shot to be had. (after 11 pm)

Give him my best, and a coupon for a collagen injection so he can keep a stiff upper lip.