Friday, August 19, 2005

Bad Comedian

Dateline - I can't actually give the details, but it far as you know...don't let this happen to your comedy scene:

“Uh, is this thing on?

Hi, my name is _____________ . And I just lost 40 pounds!”

*half hearted audience applause*

“I sold all my brother’s dragon dice on E-bay. That’ll teach him to roll for strength with a 20 sided die instead of 3 d6. That’ll teach him to steal my password to Friendster and hit on my girlfriend, “Sausage Party”! Bitch. Yeah, mom likes me best, what?!

So, I don’t know if you could tell or not that I like Dungeons and Dragons a lot.


Awfully quiet in here. It’s like I rolled a saving throw against the Vacuum of Sucking Despair and lost, or as I call it, Prom Night. My date was a succubus. Actually, she was a NPC working behind the bar in the campaign we were running instead of going to the Prom, but it was very realistic. Let’s just say I rolled versus Premature Ejaculation and lost.

So, there’s a lot of misconceptions about masturbation. For example, you don’t go blind. But, I do have really bad astigmatism.

And, it’s playing hell with my infravision. Um. See, if you’re a halfing, uh…

Two paladins walk into a bar. And they razed the entire building and purified it with holy water because drinking’s a sin.


Cruising for transvestites is LARPing, right?

So, do any of you read comics? How about that “Infinity Crisis”? Batman got mindwiped! That sucks! No joke there, just saying….

Speaking of comics, what do you think Aquaman’s wife’s pussy smells like? Pork?

I don’t have a crisis about my identity. I live in the basement. That’s because I’m part Drow. Elf. It’s a particular…species…they’re pretty badass, actually…

So Todd McFarlane sure has a lot of BALLS, huh? Huh? See, he buys expensive baseballs, and… he tried to steal Miracleman, and… Um… the Spawn movie totally sucked. Yeah.

So… I was having dinner with my mom and dad, and I grabbed the pepper shaker, and I yelled, “He who controls the spice controls the universe!” So, I’m technically grounded. But it’s funny because my mom looks kinda like Baron Harkonnen. You know… they’re both kinda fat… I don’t know if my mom had a nipple plug, but… my dad hasn’t left, so maybe…

Besides: I can’t compare her to Jabba the Hutt! That’d be HACK! Or at least that’s what the writers in the chat room I hang out in tell me. When we’re not talking about porn.

Speaking of Jabba the Hutt, how about Princess Leia in Revenge of the Jedi? Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. Revenge of the Jedi. I know nothing of no “Ewoks”. Wookies all the way baby. *Makes Chewbacca noise* ‘Yub, yub’ my left testicle!

I think it’s important to remember that Greedo NEVER SHOT FIRST. That’s why I keep a shrine of Kenner action figures –

Is that the light?”

Thanks to Mr. Scoop for filling in the gaps on some of this.


Dave Morris said...

Well, since you asked... Aquaman's wife's snatch smells a little green... something about moss.

And, as much as I hate to, I'm "tagging" you. See my blog for more information. It's only because I love you, and if you choose not to respond, fuck you all to hell.

Timmy Mac said...

"So… I was having dinner with my mom and dad, and I grabbed the pepper shaker, and I yelled, “He who controls the spice controls the universe!”

Okay THAT one was actually pretty goddamn good.