Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Natural Order Of Things



On Parenting:

Here's reason #7,346 why Mr. Scoop and I will never be parents.

In response to learning that his best friend from college had recently become blessed with sprog:

"... I recommend that you teach the kid that life's not fair right
away. Every third time she cries, you . breast feed her. It might just prompt her to get a job earlier."


Meat Hangover

Yesterday I constructed a burger that made the gods weep. It was so cosmically fantastic that, by the time I'd finished eating it, it defied the laws of physics and, possibly, time. Oh sure, there was only 2/3 of a pound of meat in each blue cheese stuffed Mondo Burger (tm), but by the time I'd topped it with Swiss cheese, tomatoes, mushrooms and onions (all strategically placed on asiago focaccia) the volume of the food somehow increased exponentially in such a way that I felt as though I'd been filled to the eyes with meat. It was a beautiful, yet terrifying experience. The joy and euphoria of meat and cheese mainlining into my brain. Serotonin levels reaching critical mass for the volume of my brain and central nervous system. The subsequent realization that the burger had increased my mass to the point of event horizon when I tried to remove myself from the couch. I kept waiting for random objects to fly into my field of gravity.

Then I started drinking and it was all better.

Man Bites Bear. Bear Mauls Man. Nature Restored to Harmony.

There's a special on Primetime tonight on ABC about a guy who tried living with bears in the wild and ended up being disembowled and generally turned into a squishy mass of fleshy pulp for his efforts.

I personally believe that now that we've developed electricity, buildings and air conditioning there's really no good reason to get back to nature. Not even a trans-fat laced meat hangover. Wildlife is for watching through a protective barrier (I call it TV) or for eating (after a thorough de-worming). If you mess with this status quo, you're going to be eviscerated as Mother Nature intended.

I'm looking forward to this special intently.

5 comments:

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

That was one beautiful, poetic recount of a hamburger. I've never admired you so much as just now.

Rob Seifert said...

Damn you bug, that's what I was going to say! ;-) I could literally taste that burger as you described it.mmmmmmm

RCS

Lance Manion said...

I am reminded of the scene in Better Off Dead where Lane Meyer says "I'll show you what everbody wants!" and proceeds to create the ultimate franken-burger to the tune of Van Halen's "Everybody Wants Some"

Did your burger do any claymation dancing by any chance?

Amandarama said...

LBB - Thanks! Red meat is often an overlooked poetic muse.

RCS - The burger was damn tasty. I definitely recommend stuffing hamburgers with cheese and then melting more cheese on top. It cures sensory deprivation. Or causes it. I forget which.

Lance - Better Off Dead rules! The only dancing the burger did was on the griddle. And later, in my tummy.

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