Thursday, October 13, 2005

Breaking Bonaduce

Good Lord.

Am I the only person watching this?

Mr. Bonaduce sez: I'd like some whiskey and a hooker!


It's like a horrible train wreck that I can't look away from.

I will grant you: I have no idea what it is like to have been a huge child star who hits pubescence (which I can barely spell) and finds out he or she suddenly is no longer cute enough, or hot enough to pedophiles, to work regularly. I suspect Dakota Fanning will also figure this out in a movie or two.

No.

My greatest childhood milestone was to play the part of Snoopy in a summer musical adaptation of "Charlie Brown Goes To Summer Camp" when I was eight. Mom made me my costume out of white terry cloth, tail and all. Somewhere there would've been incriminating reel to reel films if I'd bothered to execute my father's will properly. Ultimately, all I really remember of that summer was that my dog, Grey - who had been with my family since at least the time I was born and used to protect my baby carriage when it was outside from other dogs and miscreants, died and that I was heartbroken. She was at least 17 and had liver failure. I cried for two weeks. However, I told no one why I was crying - so, for two weeks I was the weird kid that cried all the time. It did wonders for my elementary social life. But, the least I could do to honor Grey's memory was to be the best Snoopy ever.

Anyway, Bonaduce makes me alternately want to smack him upside the head or buy him a drink and say "Yeah. The bitch is crazy. Here's what you should do..." Tonight, I watched his wife own up to having strippers in her room at a party and then tell him that if he went to a strip club she'd be pissed at him.

Maybe it's because I'm the child of divorce. Maybe it's because I've watched full blown alcoholism take its toll on relationships close to me. But, ultimately, Gretchen Bonaduce pisses me off. Sure, Gretchen, you only dated for six hours before you got engaged to Danny. But you've been there for a while now, so, presumably you've bought the ticket and you understand what it means to take the ride. Settle the hell down and quit bitching. He's not going to change. In his head he's still 12 and entitled. Really.

Plus substance abuse now. Oh, yay.

Just shut up or get out, Gretchen. Yes, yes, you've been together for many years...

And, of course, watching him whine about how he felt betrayed and pissed only made me more angry. Look, kids, perhaps you should've dated longer and gone through that "getting to know you" thing before the marriage. His "suicide attempt" would've made me punch him in the face. But, on the other hand, I might've punched Gretchen on principle. Boy she sucks.

It's not like me to go on at length about a "reality" show. I will say that the "celeb-reality" shows VH-1 put out are like crack. And now I'm waiting my next hit.


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1 comment:

Joe Tornatore said...

first time visitor. i haven't caught the bonaduce show but I got to say his wit and personality always made me laugh when I caught him on the radio or for interviews.