Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Catalog This! And By "This" I Mean...

I’m watching this show on the Fine Living Channel called “Catalog This!". The premise of this show is a couple of wannabe yuppies petition for a room makeover. They pick a slew of “I wish I could afford this” items out of a catalog and the channel delivers them to their door. Their challenge is to redecorate the room using the items and to come in within $2000 (under, not over) of the budget assigned to them by the network. Otherwise, they lose all the furniture.

Tonight’s happy couple, Emily and Dickless, are redesigning Dickless’s bedroom. Apparently, Emily has recently moved in and has decided that Dickless’s digs need to be “more grown-up”.  “It’s needs more color!” gushes Emily. “My walls have color”, replies Dickless. “Beige isn’t a color,” sneers Emily. I’m personally hoping that Dickless decides to paint the wall with Emily. Thus far, I am denied.

I’m probably not the most qualified person to comment on other people’s design prowess. My bedroom includes bureaus that used belong to my dad in the 50s, my parent’s lovely dark pine goth bed from the 70s, and posters that memorialize Trainspotting and The Breakfast Club.

Fuck it.

Emily and Dickless have 2 hours ( 1 a piece) to redecorate the room, using the amassed items, in his or her own image. To begin with, someone decides to paint the room over in a shade of sky blue that I thought was really cool…when I was 10. Then, I watch as Emily picks up a recently delivered, puke green chaise recliner and gushes over it as though it will cure cancer. She moves it to the bedroom. Dickless’s face drops as though she’s announced to his family over Thanksgiving dinner that she’s pregnant and the child isn’t his. Clearly, this is going to bode well for the relationship.

By the time she’s done, there are fluffy shag rugs and overbearing throw pillows fucking up what had been a functional, if Spartan, space. But the blame isn’t entirely Emily’s: Dickless seemed to think that an overpriced, but space age looking, CD player from The Sharper Image and red school lockers masquerading as an end table and closet space from Ikea are good ideas. Clearly, Dickless misses the days of communal showering with other men. However, he at least takes the step of deep-sixing the horrible puke green chaise and replacing it with a black massaging recliner.

Ultimately, Emily and Dickless lose the game; they end up more than $1200 over budget. They both decide that 3 full-length, beveled and framed mirrors are necessary for the space. Three? Emily is tons of fun, but she shouldn’t need three mirrors to see herself. Then Dickless insists on keeping the stereo. Meanwhile, Emily drags in another chaise (white, fluffy, heart shaped…hurl!) because “I need somewhere to sit!" Why? You didn’t include a TV or a computer in your design. Why do you need chairs in there at all? Explain this to me. And if your explanation involves Astroglide or a swing I will find you and kill you.


Lance Manion said...

You know it's funny, but I was once over to a coworker's house. That coworker had what could be loosely described as a "fuck swing". On exceptionally niave young woman from China ended up gushing about how great the chair was and how she wanted one. It was pretty funny.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Astroglide. Good name.

Ari said...

Nine and a half times out of ten when I watch any HGTV design show, the damn room they're doing looks worse than it did when it began.

My favorite one was seeing the crestfallen look on one man's face when they took away his ceiling fan. Outwardly, it was "Ohh, yeah it's great!" while inside he seethed, "Whore of a wife... you and 3 gay men snatched away my only bedroom joy." You could just see it on his face.

Dave Morris said...

I'm with Ari, those shows are the best when the surprised party HATES what has been done to their room.

Sweet, sweet ending.

Amandarama said...

Lance - Thanks. Gonna need the brain bleach now.

LBB - Yes. I think that's why they trademarked it.

Ari - I'm waiting for the first "reality show interior design related homicide". It'll be better than the Jenny Jones scandal.

Dave - It's a thing of beauty. Indeed.