Monday, December 12, 2005

Monday Memo


To: The Assholes Who Like To Play "Cutsies" Into The Exit Lane At Routes 3 and 93 From The Passing Lane And Gak Up All The Traffic When I'm Trying To Go The Fuck Home

From: Me

Re: You And I Need To Have Words

Date: 12/12/05


Dearest Fucking Tools:

The exit lane is for exiting the highway. Perhaps to go to another highway. Perhaps to fuck off and die. As far as you are concerned, I don't really give a shit which - just use the damn exit lane to do it. Do not stop your car in the middle of the passing lane 100 yards from the actual exit off the highway and put your blinker on waiting for someone to let you in because you can't be bothered to "wait in line" like the chumps who began planning for their exit five miles ago. Some of us are actually trying to use the travel lanes to, well, travel and you zipping over from the high speed lane at the last second isn't helping any. This is not the high school lunch line. Stop living in the past and hoping for "cutsies", Assmunch.

The fact of the matter is, it has only recently come to my attention that while I'm stuck behind you for 20 minutes at a time apparently. I am not allowed to get out of my car and suggest that you consider getting off at the next exit. While carrying a tire iron. Apparently that's actionable under "Road Rage" laws. Cock knocker. It has also come to my attention that, when I am a passenger, I'm not allowed to "flip you the bird" when we finally manage to squeeze by your wide Hummer ass. Mr. Scoop is concerned that he will have to punch you while defending my honor, as he feels you certainly would come after him rather than me - although I've assured him repeatedly that I would be more than happy to take point in the punching. I've seen your smug, soft, sweaty, round face up there in your air-conditioned Escalade driver's seat. You have a very punchable face.

In conclusion, if you could keep me from getting trouble because you are choosing to be an unrelenting douchebag, I'd appreciate it.

Kisses,

Scoop

4 comments:

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I comb the Net for posts like these.

I hope you get angry more often. I love what it does to your writing.

NWJR said...

Don't hold back, now...tell us how you REALLY feel!

Ithiel said...

Yes a 'Live from Folsom Prison' entry-as it were-could be terribly interesting. I am, however, more fond of the ice scraper as a means of bad driver reeducation. It just sounds funnier when they start describing the 'assault' in court.

Dave Morris said...

Yep. That's some funny shit.

Maybe worse is those who use the (faster moving) exit lane to pass cars, then veer back to the left into traffic, cutting off whomever they fuck feel like, just to gain 4 car lengths, because their schedule is more important than mine.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you piece of arrogant shit.