Friday, February 03, 2006

Chew On This...

Observation of the day:

A 16 year-old boy should not reek of Old Lady Smell - the scent of potpourri sachets, White Rain shampoo and impending death.

I caught a whiff of Old Lady Smell on one of my young male charges today. It made the hair on the back of my neck rise and caused my soul to shrink up and press itself against the back of my kidneys. And that made me want to pee.

It’s wrong. And incongruous. I don’t care if the kid is living with the Grim Reaper himself – although I’ve been told that the Grim Reaper smells of roses and kittens, or maybe that was chloroform. Probably chloroform. In any event, it caused a deep icky in my stomach which reverberated into the very core of my being. I felt a sudden urge to whisk the kid into an assisted living facility and forget he existed until the Medicare ran out.

But the school would probably ask questions. Or his grandma would. Unless I could get her into the same assisted living facility.

Amazing. I meet the one teenage boy who doesn’t stink of cheap body spray – "Axe" I’m looking in your direction you awful Deep Wood Off + French Rent Boy smelling motherfuckers – and, rather than feeling happiness that I can breathe without gagging, I’m filled with the desire to put a wooden stake in him and sprinkle him with holy water. At 1:45 on a Friday afternoon. Nice work, Fate. Nice fucking work.


Dave Morris said...

That goddamn Axe doesn't work like it's advertised.

I was laughing my ass off reading this. White Rain! hahahaha!

Miss Sassy said...

Seriously - if a guy of any age doesn't smell like even fake guy, I'm running from him.
HOW did a 16 year old smell like old lady?? I'm all for teachin um young, but seriously now...
I once told a guy I really like the way he smelled... he admited it was just his BO... there was nothing sachet-ish about it!!