Tuesday, February 21, 2006


They say that Queen Mab, the Faerie Queen, visits unsuspecting humans at night and causes horrible snarls in their hair as they sleep -snarls so bad, one may as well cut off the offending lock rather than try to get a brush or comb through it. If a person were to manage to solve the puzzle of the knot and detangle his or her hair, bad luck will then befall this presumptuous human, as if in unraveling the snarl a curse or hex were unleashed in the process.

I have a knot of muscles right around my left shoulder blade that tangled itself up about three nights ago apropos of nothing in my sleep. I have no idea what possible position I could have slumbered in to cause such a knot. All I know is it won't go friggin' go away. It laughs at Advil and "stretching exercises". It nods politely at hot showers and warm compresses, loosening briefly only to seize up as soon as it cools down. I'm doing the only reasonable thing I can right now: medicating with Scotch.

I'm worried. I would understand if this muscular ache had happened as the result of something strenuous, like if I'd strained the shoulder snow shoveling or being overzealous with a tire iron. But, sleep? I can't be that old and out of shape, can I? And, what if the tangle of my muscles was caused by some faerie in charge of messing with the trapeseus and deltoid muscles? I mean, it's not like there's a lot of farm animals to bewitch or milk out there to sour these days. Presumably, they'd need a more current set of skills for employment than just "efficiently utlizes pixie dust and demonstrates competence when switching babies with changlings at birth" to stay active in the faerie field. If my shoulder was fair game, I want to know if there is going to be some deleterious effect should I manage to get the knot out. That way I can stock up on Scotch and Oxycontin before I lose my job, get a humpback and mystically age a hundred years and can't drive to the store to get these things.

In the meantime, I'll point my shoes away from my bed, find some cold iron and continue alternating between Icy/Hot and Macallan 12 year.


Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You need a sauna and a 90-minute massage.

Dave Morris said...

Sauna? Massage? Not bad, but I think the Macallan is likely helping the most.

Also (and this part is for Mr. Scoop) applying protein directly to the sore area frequently helps.