Saturday, June 10, 2006

Submit!


Today is Mr. Scoop's birthday! He is older. Maybe wiser. Probably drunker. No. Definitely drunker.

Than you.

Yes.

He asked me to make him a particular chocolate cake today. One that I used to make more often when we first started dating. When I had a dishwasher.

This chocolate cake is like a blackhole of chocolate love. It is beyond dense. You can not escape the chocolate. And there is no good reason why you should want to.

Do not fear the chocolate. It only wants to help. It loves you. Even as it crushes your senses with endorphin overload. Submit to the chocolate.

Let go. And get the recipe here.

___________________________________________________


Lately, I have been actively fucked over by Fed-Ex. Fed-Ex was giving me a hassle over delivering an envelope (despite having done so before) because the driver felt my building was unsafe.

I'll say it before and I'll say it again: the lobby's viper pit is more security pound for pound for the dollar than any 5 alarm systems. No one is getting in here. Possibly not even Fed-Ex. And maybe that was the problem. I had many conversations with them about this. I explained that they could just leave the damn package in the wooden bin by the door. The building was clearly secure. Drop it off and forget about it. They could stop trying. You can use "Fed-Ex" as a verb now. They have reached the height of their greatness. Who do they really need to impress?

Still they would not submit and give me my stuff. It took about 20 more phone calls involving phrases like "But, I am the customer and the customer is always right!" and "I have a light saber and I will find you, Jonathan, who I am speaking to on Tuesday the 6th at 3:27pm. Oh, yes."

Also, Fed-Ex employees don't like to be called "hourly wage monkeys".

But I have my package now. And Jonathan? He has most of his fingers.

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5 comments:

Ari said...

I hate phonecalling call center people who have no souls. I have pestered them recently lots, to some effect, as well. Chocolate cake, however, makes anyone's soul more sparkly.

Latigo Flint said...

Happy Birthday Mr. Scoop! And it feels good to use "Fed-Ex" as a verb, doesn't it?

"Savage" can be an adjective, a noun, or a verb. It is a magnificent word--all the wide-eyed people think so.

Lance Manion said...

You need to inflict your black hole of chocolate love on Jonathan the wage monkey. And film it.

LM

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Hey, the link didn't work. I want to make that cake.

Tell Monsier Scoop Happy Freggin' Birthday.

Dave Morris said...

Yep, props to the Scoop-ster on his BD.

Try calling "Brown." Maybe they aren't pussies like FedEx.