Saturday, September 23, 2006

Awful Things You Can Pick Up For No Good Reason...


Hey.

It's that time of the year, folks.

Cold season.

If you are a regular reader of the site, you'll remember that I was fighting a similar viral battle about this time last year.

So, I've been combatting the general symptoms this weekend the best way I know how: with copious amounts of alcohol. Because alcohol is a disinfectant.

And I apologize for my absence this week. I've been getting a lot of concerned emails from readers who are worried about my welfare. Perhaps I can't get to my computer because I'm trapped under something heavy. Fear not, gentle readers. I'm sick, not disabled.

Of course, I blame the diet for weakening my immune system. If I hadn't lost ten pounds, that's how much more fat the virus would have had to wade through before it tried to invade my system. Amazing how, when we try to be healthy, we're more likely to be laid low by evil irritants to the system like the common cold or frat boys in sports bars or...Jägermeister.

So, clearly, it's not my fault.

But, I'd like to take a moment to answer some reader mail that has come my way since my unintentional break.

Dear Scoop:

As a lover of all things plush, I was very disappointed by the contents of your site. After spending hours on the internet looking for the perfect picture of furry animal puppets to beat off to, I found one spectacular picture of a cluster of totally hot, skritchable animal friends - there's even a dog that is already enjoying a hand up its ass! But...everything else on the site suggests that you are less about furry love and more about drunken beat downs. What gives?

Best furry wishes,

Stripey Bouncable McTigerbuddy



Oh. Mr. McTigerbuddy.

I must admit, I'm not a fellow furry. But based on the sheer number of people on the web that come here looking for this picture:













Well...you'd think I was.

And, hey, enjoy yourself while you're here and, um, looking at it. Just please stop emailing me about it. I will start posting your emails.

Yes, I'm looking at you "DogStar Hero at gmail dot com".


Dear amandarama999,

Hi there,

for the first time since the Pharaohs,
witchcraft secrets have been uncovered.

I just found the key to casting devastatingly
effective spells and rituals with extraordinary
power in just days instead of years...

Even if you are a complete beginner, this
powerful and beneficial european witchcraft
can quickyl and radically change your life.

What do you wish for?

Choose any from the list or add your own:

Abundance?

Love?

Happiness?

Friends?

Health?

Protection?

Revenge?

POWER?


It can all be accomplished with these powerful
magick spells and secrets that I just found.

And you won't be asked to sacrifice blood
or sell your soul to make it all happen.

Here's the link for the site. go there now:
DiscoverWitchCraft.com


The above is an advertisement sent by a DiscoverWitchcraft affiliate. If you
have any questions or concerns you may contact us at the following
address:Platinum Success, Inc. Zieglergasse 38/8, A-1070, Vienna, Austria


That's a sweet offer, guys. But it's a fairly well know fact that I sent Mr. Scoop's last girlfriend into an unexplained bout of Mononucleosis using a voodoo doll, pins, and a half finished glass of Mr. Scoop's favorite libation of Jack Daniels and cherry Jolt. I think I'm all set, witchcraft-wise. But I appreciate the offer.


And, finally:

Dear Scoop:

I'm a 22 year old single bi-curious female from Oklahoma. I think your writing is totally hot. You haven't posted all week and I long for your acid prose. I hope everything is ok. I know you have Mr. Scoop in your life but, have you ever thought about getting with a woman?

Love,

[name withheld to protect the, um, innocent-ish...]



Well, it's funny you should mention that, "Name Withheld". Generally, my sexual interests tend to run strictly to vanilla, hetero pursuits.

But, if I had to pick a woman that gets me hot, I guess I'd go with Morgan Webb from G4's X-Play. Not only is she totally smokin', she's got the coolest job on television: reviewing video games. For, like, pay. And a television credit. I'd like to get her alone. Then...

Let's just say I get a job at G4 out of it. And godhood.

Hey, you may scoff, but - if she doesn't show up at work the next day at G4...there's a job opening...

I used to quietly, closetedly, lust after Gwen Stefani and Angelina Jolie, but since they've become mothers, the shine is off them. Let's just say that that children fuck everything up. Sure, those titties are big, but that woman is on a feeding schedule that doesn't include me.

I don't have this problem with guys. Particularly, Mr. Scoop.

Mr. Scoop believes that children are at their best seen (dancing at the end of a Tazer) and not heard (it cuts into his drinking time).


So, there you have it. I appreciate the mail. I'm working on getting better. By the grace of Jack Daniels, I'll be healed by Monday.

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10 comments:

Ari said...

You hit a lot of fringe practices in this post. And what about Nigella Lawson? :)

Dave Morris said...

Um, hello? Doesn't every woman want Scarlet Johansson?

I think there must be something about Gwen Stefani, I have known several otherwise hetero females who would crash on a matress with her.

Andre Van Der Lee said...

Are you able to do hypnosis, honestly ?

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