Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I'm Not Dead...

...I was in Philadelphia...

...on a conference with no access to a computer, unless I wanted to walk to Kinko's and spend the dough. I love you guys, but please understand: I'm trying to save for a car that isn't a 1992 Geo Prism.

I was surrounded by Latin and Classical Lit/History teachers for days. I would say that the novelty of getting the young newbie male buck Latin teachers drunk and asking them to "Carpe Diem" wore off after a few days, but there is no such thing as a "young newbie male buck Latin teacher". There are a lot of plain chicks who don't drink and giggle nervously if you crack a joke about masturbation and the Greek homo erotic ideal (Socrates choking on hemlock while Sappho tells you to slowly stroke it. Really.).

This is where I stashed my 40's.The upside to the conference was discovering that the people running the show would hold a reception for us with lots of booze in an archaological museum, "Please Don't Touch" sign be damned. There's almost nothing better than watching a bunch of octogenarian professors hobble about in the Egyptian Wing playing "Who's Got The Roofie", while the one 60 year old guy discovered that he could get away with licking Oxy-Contin and Viagra off the funeral mask of a 14 year old dead prince from the Upper Nile. He was clearly feeling no pain from the broken hip due to earlier activities in the Indian wing and the "naughty bodhisattva".

Good times, good times.

I swear I'll post more soon. I'm just trying to drink enough right now to get the memory of the Cunning Linguists of the Class of 1937 (and their donkey, Spartacus) out of my brain cells without using the ice pick.

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Sunday, June 18, 2006

This Is My Boom Stick

And by "my" I mean Piglet's.

Pooh gives honey to the infidels.  I've seen it!

Turkish TV Denies Piglet Ban.

He's the other white meat and that makes him not kosher for Islamic to speak.

"Turkey's public broadcaster has denied reports that it has banned the popular Walt Disney cartoon "Winnie the Pooh" because one of the main characters in the show is a piglet...In a statement carried by the Anatolia news agency, TRT said it had acquired the exclusive right to broadcast Walt Disney's cartoons and movies in Turkey but added, "the Walt Disney materials have not been acquired yet... (and) therefore the cartoon 'Winnie the Pooh' does not exist in TRT records and archives". Islam regards pigs as unclean and prohibits the consumption of pork."

And I thought the reason I couldn't find a copy of Animal Farm in Istanbul was that the godless Communist agenda of the pigs in the ruling class offended Allah.

Well. Now I know.

And that's one to grow on.

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Saturday, June 10, 2006


Today is Mr. Scoop's birthday! He is older. Maybe wiser. Probably drunker. No. Definitely drunker.

Than you.


He asked me to make him a particular chocolate cake today. One that I used to make more often when we first started dating. When I had a dishwasher.

This chocolate cake is like a blackhole of chocolate love. It is beyond dense. You can not escape the chocolate. And there is no good reason why you should want to.

Do not fear the chocolate. It only wants to help. It loves you. Even as it crushes your senses with endorphin overload. Submit to the chocolate.

Let go. And get the recipe here.


Lately, I have been actively fucked over by Fed-Ex. Fed-Ex was giving me a hassle over delivering an envelope (despite having done so before) because the driver felt my building was unsafe.

I'll say it before and I'll say it again: the lobby's viper pit is more security pound for pound for the dollar than any 5 alarm systems. No one is getting in here. Possibly not even Fed-Ex. And maybe that was the problem. I had many conversations with them about this. I explained that they could just leave the damn package in the wooden bin by the door. The building was clearly secure. Drop it off and forget about it. They could stop trying. You can use "Fed-Ex" as a verb now. They have reached the height of their greatness. Who do they really need to impress?

Still they would not submit and give me my stuff. It took about 20 more phone calls involving phrases like "But, I am the customer and the customer is always right!" and "I have a light saber and I will find you, Jonathan, who I am speaking to on Tuesday the 6th at 3:27pm. Oh, yes."

Also, Fed-Ex employees don't like to be called "hourly wage monkeys".

But I have my package now. And Jonathan? He has most of his fingers.

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