Saturday, January 31, 2009

Mom, mom!!!! Watch me!!!!! Mom!!!!!!

Practically luminous, it arced high into the sky, glistening yellow, sparkling in the mid-morning sunlight of Saturday. The object stood out brightly from the blue sky it hurtled through, as well as from the other icicles and snow that competed to refract the sunlight.

It exploded against the side of the hulking form of the navy Nissan Xterra that was crunching its way over the ice that continued to cover our driveway, despite the fact that the storm had happened four days ago. The SUV belonged to our condo association. I'd like to call this a coincidence.

Mr. Scoop called it "this week's upper body work-out".

"Darling", I said. "What the fuck?"

He replied: "You've been doing such a great job working out lately. I just want to try and keep up with you."

"Was that a Ziploc bag full of your pee?" I asked.

"Wouldn't you like to have plausible deniability?" he returned.

"Well", I said. "There are Nautlius machines in jail. Or so I've heard."


I have been working out a lot. Since August, I'm down about 20 pounds. I still see about another 50 pounds to get rid of in my future. My body is fighting me every step of the way. The diet and work out have, frankly, been affecting every scrap of free time that would normally be used for recreational fun. I'm beginning to wonder if I might have more success with meth and heroin. At least, initially, there would be a buzz.

I'm not cooking anything interesting. I'm not drinking anything cool. I'm not socializing. My co-workers threw a party during lunch for December birthdays. There was cake. I hid in my room and ate tofu.

They tracked me down to the study hall I had the following period with "my piece of cake". I freaked out, lied and said I had diabetes. Plus, they wanted me to wear stupid oversized, sunglasses for a photo for the departmental "Wall of Fun". Yeah, um, no.

We go out to dinner with friends. I'm asked "What's new?" It's an innocuous question...right up until I realize that I have no real answer. "Not much", I reply. "Well, you're going to Italy in April", interjects Mr. Scoop. "Oh, well, that's exciting", say my friends. "Yes, well, it's a school trip", I say."It's free!" "Oh", they say. Then we pick at our tapas silently for a moment or so. The guy part of the couple we are out with starts to talk about guy things with Mr. Scoop. I live in a bubble of silence as I work through my shrimp with olive oil and garlic that no one wants to share. Then, realizing that one new thing has happened to me that I think I can talk about in my world has happened, I turn to the female part of the couple and say, "Oh, well...I've, um, finally mastered the half moon pose in yoga."

Yep. That pose over there.

That's what is exciting in my life. Now that I'm healthy and sober, I can stand on my foot without help and not fall over. This is exciting to me.

Which is why I'm drinking tonight. It seems like, when I was drinking, this wasn't an issue.

Go figure.